Torn

The roses in the garden were wilting, as though they were nodding their approval of your ignorance towards me. So I tugged them from the earth, removed their mocking heads, and threw them into the sad September breeze. The stalks they cried. The thorns they hailed. And the embers of petals floated back to me, and melded to my sweating body like greedy leeches. The embers still remain there, burning into my soul, like a wild and sorry tattoo.

@alittlebirdtweets2015

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66 thoughts on “Torn

  1. Nik says:

    Nicely done – love the last line!

  2. Sometimes things just need to be stirred up. An effective slice of metaphorical prose.

  3. milliethom says:

    A lovely, evocative short piece. You draw us into the garden scene so effectively. Very well written.

  4. Paul Beech says:

    Donna, such a raw yet beautiful prose-poem, the anguish so vividly conveyed the reader feels it too and is moved. Heartbreak, I guess, is something most of us have known at some point in our lives, so we connect only too well; we understand, we empathise.

    Very best wishes – take care,

    Paul

    • Paul, thank you so much for your valuable feedback, it’s very much appreciated. It’s always intetesting to see how my stories are conveyed by the reader. When I used to go to my writing group, it was always amazing how a piece of writing, known or unknown, could be comprehended differently – and I guess we all have different experiences that might inspire that comprehension. Best Wishes to you…and thank you. Donna

  5. Amra Ismail says:

    Wow…wonderful…I’ll be following you

  6. N. E. White says:

    Very evocative. My favorite bits are the stalks cried and the thorns hailed. I imagined an audience to her pain. Well done.

  7. Joe Artz says:

    This is a wonderful piece. I love the metaphor of petals as embers floating to earth, but then melding to you, first as leeches, and eventually, forever, as tattoos. Rose petals really do meld, like adhesive membranes, to things when they fall. Your verbs are chosen very well. The only thing that didn’t work for me was “the stalks they cried. the thorns they hailed.” Seemed antiquated construction and broke the mood. “They” is not necessary. “The stalks cried. The thorns hailed.” Thanks for writing this.

    • Hi Joe. Thank you for your comment on my story. I’m glad you liked the metaphor. I do try to squeeze out a concept through various thoughts. The part that you didn’t like was deliberate, in that I wanted to implant a short and snappy sentence to break the flow. I am inspired by different sentence length and in trying to create a mix of them in my writings. This method also comes from my love in the ‘sounds’ that are found in lyrics. I’m so grateful that you took the time to read it, and for your honest opinion. Very much appreciated. Best Wishes. Donna

  8. alexraphael says:

    Embers is such a rare and brilliant word.

  9. mrheslop says:

    These two sentences: “The stalks they cried. The thorns they hailed.” might benefit from being edited thusly: “The stalks? They cried. The thorns? They hailed.” I enjoyed this little prose poem, though. The images are sharp and muscular, and all in all it’s like a little dark garden.

    • Thanks mrheslop. Yes a couple of people have picked up on these two sentences. I envisioned the narrator speaking in statement, so I wanted the sentences to feel this way rather than as a question. Thank you for your critique though, it’s always good to get a light and dark perspective to a piece of work.

      • lisa evola says:

        I agree with you. If you make them a question it changes the whole feel of the piece. I like it as it is, it eludes somewhat to the frame of mind of the one speaking…very powerful. Sometimes these poems are better spoken aloud. btw…thanks for the follow! I look forward to reading more of what you are feeling.

      • Hi Lisa. Thank you, and you’re welcome 🙂 I shall look forward to reading more of your work in the new year. Wishing you a creative one!

  10. sjwegmann says:

    I want to write flash fiction like this! Very nice.

  11. Damn, girl, you have a gift!!

  12. I really like this. Thank yoib

  13. Jon Stephens says:

    Very strong, vivid language! Enjoyed this.

  14. Hey I nominated you for the versatile blogger award! Check it out on my blog. 🙂

  15. Pratyusha says:

    Amazingly written !

  16. SHUTTHATNEGATIVENOISEOFF! says:

    Hi there dear, I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award!

    Here’s the link.https://emmaonegrete.wordpress.com/2015/12/22/2nd-sunshine-blogger-award-totaling-5-awards-in-4mos/

    No pressure. Congrats and continued blessings, Emma

  17. Well written, I enjoyed the symbology

  18. septembersrose says:

    I miss you! Get back on here! I nominated you for Sisterhood of the World Award-https://septembersrose.wordpress.com/2016/01/02/sisterhood-of-the-world-award/

    • Thank you so much for the nomination, that’s so kind. I will be back on here much more this year, as I have put some definite post plans in place 🙂 Happy New Year…I hope it is a creative one for you 🙂

      • septembersrose says:

        I’ve been very busy lately so I understand. You’re welcome for the nomination and I look forward to seeing you around more!

      • Yes, the end of 2015 definitely seemed to be a busy one – and Christmas puts the cherry on the top! Hopefully we can find more time for writing and blogging this year. I’m looking forward to seeing your work.

  19. jwforeva says:

    This is very artistic writing. I just love the way you describe the whole experience,using the emotivw power of autumn to relate it to the persona’s own feelings. Have you been busy lately? Working on a new book? Good luck with whatever you’re working on, I love to read your writing :))

    • Thank you so much 🙂 I have been busy recently, but this year I have set some goals to write more and post more on my blog as I feel that I abandoned it towards the end of 2015. I am also going to set aside time to research my novel. I have written a rough first draft based on my thoughts, but it needs a lot more work. I’m so happy that you enjoy my work…you have made my day! Happy New Year to you.

  20. John says:

    I really liked this, though I must admit I don’t understand who “it” is, and I am not sure if I am supposed to. Who are the roses nodded their approval to, if you care to illuminate this boors lack of wit?

    • Hi. The roses are nodding to the main character in approval to another’s ignorant behaviour. Just like one would nod on behalf of someone else. This is prose poetry, so it allows readers to interpret the words how they wish. But in a nutshell, the story is about lost love and illuminating that through symbolism.

      • John says:

        I am a simpleton and am thankful for the explanation. Even with out, I enjoyed the style and content, but now I have closure.

      • You’re welcome. I understand that not every one is going to get what I write so I don’t mind trying to explain further. Thank you for reading and commenting 🙂

  21. First post I’ve read on your blog and you didn’t disappoint! Lovely!

  22. gspottedpen says:

    The imagery is rich buffet which echoes the beauty of your words, the mystic charm of how passionate you are as an author. Anand Bose from Kerala.

  23. gspottedpen says:

    Your brought out a beautiful epiphany. The psychological insemination of consciousness with an outside encounter leaves objet d’ art precious. Anand Bose from Kerala

  24. benrattle says:

    Really love this, the imagery’s incredibly evocative and there’s a powerful sense of melancholy…wish I’d read it autumn rather than spring though, but that’s my bad.

    • Thanks Ben, I really appreciate your comment and feedback. You bring about a new and interesting thought actually – about how we are probably more likely to experience a season in a written piece much better when we are experiencing that season itself. Thank you for prompting this intriguing thought 🙂

  25. Gabryela Speaks says:

    great metaphorical write. it makes me feel the irritation you felt and how it haunts you. thanks for the share.

  26. mikemadigan says:

    Enveloping tone… Codified, courageous… So directed and loving a piece…

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